Writing has been part of my life since I was a kid. It has been an outlet of my hidden feelings that I can’t say and express. It was like a best friend of mine who will always choose to listen to all of my stories and heartaches.
A cup of coffee and my journal are my best partners in life that even hanging out isn’t comparable. I just feel that it already completes me just having these two by my side.
As of now I have almost ten journals since I was in high school. Before I usually do a daily entry but as I grow up, I became poetic and expressive in words. Now, hundred of poems and quotes will be an understatement because I wrote more than that. Just imagine!
Before, I was keeping a tumblr account where I express myself there online but I suddenly stopped when I had a social media break last 2017. That is when I also had a hard time moving on from a one sided love. Well that will be another story to tell.
Going back, I think one of the reason I became drown in writing is because of what I’d experienced as a middle child. I know that we had this same feelings for those middle child like me where comparisons and insecurities are there.
I remember writing about having some questions for my parents because I felt that they were less concern towards me compare to my other siblings. What I always do when I was a kid is to write my feelings at the back of my notebook and bury it in our garden afterwards, but that time I forgot to do it so my Mom found it. In the end, they talk to me and settle everything. I also remember that day, my Dad said to my Mom to give me more attention so that I won’t feel the same way again.
I just felt like there’s a certain differences in how they treat me that time. Well maybe it was only me that was thinking that way, but for you to have an almost perfect older sister whom everybody likes and a younger sibling who’s the only boy and the favorite from the three of us, for sure you’ll feel the same way.
So growing up I felt like I should meet their expectations for me not to be compare. I know I’m guilty for being a very insecure little child back then. But thank God because from that belief, I was able to divert it in a positive way.
My insecurity from my older sister became my inspiration to be better. I didn’t realized it sooner but based from the entries that I put in my journal, the insecurities I had became an admiration. I started to take care of myself, do better in my studies and just learn to accept who I am and what I can.
Going back on what I did before, I can’t help myself to feel guilty towards my sister on how I acted that time. I remember introducing her as a cousin and not as a sister just for us not to be compare. Back when we where in the same high school, she’s already one of the QUEENBEE in the campus. So coming there, expectations of everyone really made me cautious and intimidated.
I don’t even want to go home with her because I don’t want everyone to see us together. I just felt that all eyes with admiration are on her while eyes of disappointment are on me.
During those time, she repeatedly reached out and made me feel better. While feeling those negativity inside of me, she was there to cheer me up by proudly saying that I’m her sister.
It was a slow progress to build my confidence up and on that process, my sister never left me. She’s my protector, cheerleader, fashion designer and many more! Whatever she knows, she share it to me right away as long as it will help me to develop myself.
When I was in third year highschool she introduced me to join in an organization (ANG ARTISTA) where she’s the Vice President. That organization main concern is building someone’s passion and confidence in dancing, acting, singing and arts. That’s when the time I built my own confidence and develop my self esteem.
When she graduated in high school I became the vice president of that organization and made it without her. That time I still felt scared knowing that she won’t be on my side anymore, but in those times she never fail to share her opinions to make our activities successful.
I remember that my sister and my Mom went to support me in our last culminating activity, where they sit in the front, for me to see them quickly. They know how timid I was since I was kid. When I was in primary school I won’t start my valedictory address without my mom sitting in front of me. Many people looking at me just make me feel scared even until now!
Back when we were in college when I somehow feel confident, I started to take care of my appearance, do well in my studies and slowly build myself. All throughout my college years, whatever awards and grants I had, my sister is the first one whom I will tell about it. That time I just wanted to make her feel that she’s one of the reason I was able to achieve it and I’m slowly making my dreams possible.
Since we were both NO BOYFRIEND SINCE BIRTH until we turned 23, we usually shared a lot of stories making my Mom shocked because she always see us still gossiping until 5 AM! We can’t just get enough of each other especially when we didn’t meet for a very long time.
It has been in our culture that relatives are the usual person who put pressure in their own family members. On our part, my family never pressured us to be better. It was our own choice to do better in life and they just supported us all the way through it. The way I think that time is just my own thoughts based on what the society tell us. But then despite of experiencing it, I never regret feeling insecure because it made me realized what I am capable of doing.
I know that God made me to learn everything in a hard way. The journal entries I had are the living evidence on how I develop my insecurities into something good. I believe that jealousy and insecurities will always be present from everyone, we just differ on how we express it and how we take it in our lives.
Will we choose to accept and do nothing?
Will we put that person we’re insecure of down for the sake of us going up?
Will we be in denial and just get rid of these thoughts?
or
Will we use it as a motivation for us to be better?
Who would’ve imagine that from an insecure little child, she will turn into a goal getter lady?
All of her insecurities and timidness became her motivation to pursue more. Thanks to her sister who’s been her number one supporter since before.
Now, anybody whom I meet in my journey also know my sister. She has been part of my stories together with my younger brother. Two of them completes me in a way that even being alone in a far place doesn’t scares me anymore.
I will carry this experience proudly because out of the bad things that happened, there’s something good came out in the end.
Writing this blog made me feel grateful for all the things that my Sister made me realized. She didn’t know the impact that she gave to my life and as long as I live, I’ll be the proud sister of her.
“The greatest insecurity that I thought I will never be able to defeat, became my number one supporter as I choose my own fate.“
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Working employee wherein blogging became my side hobby.
Creator of Living Her Own Life which aims to touch people’s heart and inspire them to achieve their own goals in life.
Writing has been my passion for almost 15 years. Last 2020, I made my very own website where I can share all of my thoughts and stories in life.